Old Wounds Never Heal???

I came to realization recently that my old wounds are still wide open and bleeding. I thought I was over my breakup with my ex. I guessed I just slapped a band aid on it hoping it will heal itself. My heart aches like hell whenever I see her alone, with someone else or even when I read about her. I can literally feel my heart aching..really. I don’t know what the hell is wrong with me, still holding on so dearly to what I can’t have anymore.

I guess deep down there still a hope where we can be together again although I kept telling myself to let go and get over with it. Maybe that is why I remained single till this day. Not that I don’t meet anyone, I did meet 1 or 2 people that takes my breath away but I never had the intention to go steady or commit into a relationship. I just wasn’t ready. Ugh..this sucks. I’ve always wished all these feelings will go away and shut it off from my life which means cutting her off completely. But I can’t bring myself to do it, not to the extend where I go MIA on her. I wan’t to know what’s going on with her life, and I want her to know what’s going on in mine.

I don’t know when this wound will heal and right now at this moment, I can’t see myself being over her.

Detoxication

It has been 3 days straight that I stayed in bed and just sleep. Two days ago while I was working outside during the afternoon, I was having a terrible headache/migraine, fever and severe tummy ache. I just couldn’t take it anymore so I left for home. The drive home was torturous! I was in danger of falling asleep and crashing into other cars. Finally, reached home, changed into lighter clothes and crashed onto my bed till around 10pm. Woke up for a toilet run, this happened several times throughout the night! Sleeping was a blur haze…I was having a lot of nightmares, migraine getting worse, body aching all over..one day passed…till this morning. I got a wee bit better. Fever and migraine gone, but feeling like having a terrible hangover after a hard night’s of partying! LOL! Only thing that is not recovering is my tummy. It hurt so bad constantly, all the time and nothing is coming out anymore! I guess my body is detoxing itself…but why? I eat kinda healthy nowadays, avoided greasy stuff, less salt, less sugar, more fruits and vegetables. Then I realized, it might have turned into gastric. My last meal was 3 days ago’s dinner. I haven’t eaten anything these 3 days, except half a cup of hot milo to sooth the pain and an apple.

I walked past a mirror just now and shocked myself! It has only been 3 days and I have shrunk so much! I was skinny before, but now it’s worst! Sigh, if my tummy doesn’t hurt that much anymore, I might go outside to get some fresh air and probably some food. But I’m not too sure what I can eat though..I can’t eat food that is too solid, but I need solid food to help me stop the detox. Mashed potatoes sounds like a good idea? I hope I have enough energy to get myself out of the house without passing out!

“Gao Wong Ye” Festival

My time was fully occupied yesterday. Went to Wat Chetawan with Oscar for prayers but the monk wasn’t there. So we went around exploring the temple. I learnt that the chamber (refer to previous post on Wat Chetawan) where there’s a statue of a monk in it, it is the statue of LamPhoThot (I’m not sure if I spelled it right or not), the one that scares me a lot for no reason. I avoided that chamber and went upstairs at the backyard. Saw the magnificent Buddha statue right in the middle of the hall and as I was about to kneel down to pray, something caught my eye that almost gave me a heart attack!!! It was a wax figure of LamPhoThot sitting 1 feet away in front of me! I think I actually gasped out loud and quickly left the altar without praying. Sigh…I’m didn’t mean it, I just don’t understand why this legendary monk scares me so much!

We left shortly after that and went for lunch. Did some work at the cafe and then we meet up with another friend, Hiu. We’re going to the “Gao Wong Ye” festival in Ampang. I’ve seen the celebration many times but always missed the fire-walking event. So I was determined to see it this year. We lost our way in Ampang, Hiu couldn’t remember where the location is cause she had only been there once….a year ago. After several wrong turns we’re still lost. Suddenly, I “saw” traffic lights, the feeling was telling me to turn left, the location is somewhere on the left. But which traffic light? As if hearing my question, I got the answer that it is the 2nd traffic light! I was really overwhelmed! The feeling/voice (I can’t differentiate which is it) were sort of talking to me in my head. So I told Hiu to follow the directions and miraculously we  found the festival location!!! Although it was drizzling, we went ahead and parked the car and walked towards the sounds of music and beautiful  colors where the legendary fire-walking ritual is held.

It was extremely crowded and 3 of us squeezed in between people trying to get a glimpse of the ritual. After being squeezed and “molested” for 5-10mins in the crowd, I found a foothold, an old giant joss stick holder, stood on it and what I saw blew me away! Devotees dressed in white were really walking on fire!!! Not on ashes but REAL FIRE! They were so calmed that it didn’t seem to hurt one bit! I was like 10meters away and I felt the burning heat on my face! Those are very very brave men…( a lil stupid I reckon, but still, very brave!).

 

 

Crammed!

 

 

We decided to move nearer to the temple for prayers before the fire-walking ritual ends, avoiding the risk of being stampeded by thousands of people heading the same way. Found our way to the temple, bought incense and took a smoke looking like we just ran a marathon! (heat and rain) Then I realized I’ve totally destroyed my white khakis! Food spilled over it in the crowd, mud and ashes sticking to the bottom half of my pants! Had ashes stain at the back of my white polo-T (most people wear white to celebrate this festival). So we waited for about an hour for the offering ritual to end, then time to head into the temple. It’s extremely hard to even open my eyes to see where I was going as there were hundreds of people cramming into the temple holding big bundles of joss sticks! The place..sad to say looked like burning hell although it is the house of Gods. By the time we got out from the temple, we’re wet, joss stick ashes on our heads and body, small burn marks from joss sticks and tearing like there’s no tomorrow LOL!! Decided to leave to head to our next destination – Lookout Point.

Cleaned up in the car and we drove to Lookout Point, somewhere on the hilltop where you can see the entire city lights. The scenery was awesome! Camwhore a bit ate and our dinners (food sucks though). It was almost 2am, time to head home. I really needed a long shower to really clean up the mess!

I Had A Feeling….

Been MIA for a couple of weeks, did not have time to update my blog. Fact is, I don’t even know what to update! LOL! Yeah, that’s how boring my life had become…like the calm before the storm (when I start travelling that is). Anyway, there’s something that has been bugging me for the past week. I noticed a shift in my own consciousness. I think I’m even more aware of my intuitions and premonitions than before. It all started with the small little things. First time I noticed this is I had a feeling that a friend was not going to turn up at Fashion Unusual hours before. Even contemplating to sell her ticket off but she said she’s coming so I kept it. She did not turn up that night. Weird right?

Well, second time was (yeah, I do keep track of these things because it’s significant to me) when I went out to get dinner for myself sometime last week. Once I shut the gate behind me, I had a feeling that when I come back, I should just press the doorbell so my housemate could button press open the gate for me instead of me kneeling at the gate trying to open it with a key. So when I came back, I ignored the urge to press the button thinking, “heck, I’ve been opening the gate this way all these while, what’s the difference??!” I was wrong! As soon as I took my keys out of me back pocket, 2 pieces of RM10 got caught with my keys and flew out and landed in the manhole through the grill cover! I couldn’t believe this is happening!! FUCK! Took off the manhole, climbed inside and grabbed my money soaking wet with drain water. UGH!!! If I wasn’t so broke, I wouldn’t have even bothered to dig for the money but I needed the cash -_-”‘

Another incident was, I had a nagging feeling which I can’t pinpoint the source. I was trying to be extremely aware of my surroundings because it wasn’t a really good feeling. Suddenly a friend called up and said that she needed to talk to me, face to face and not over the phone. She was coming to pick me up to go somewhere. Immediately, I knew what happened. She had lost both my watches that she was helping me to fix. But I did not SMS her though I was tempted to do so. I was pretty mad at first because those 2 are my favorite watches and not to mention, quite costly too! But I decided to listen her out first before I make false accusations. As soon as I was in her car, she said, “Amy, I’m so sorry..I’ve lost both your watches….”

And just 2days ago, I was scheduled to meet up with some business organizations to collaborate on a project. It is a very important meeting to Anarchist Production. The night before the meeting, I had a feeling….once again, I don’t know what it is but the feeling is there. Suddenly the word “postpone” somehow appeared in my mind. I was thinking “postpone??? Want me to postpone the meeting??? No way I’m gonna do that!! Maybe they will postpone?? Hmm..but I just talked to them to confirm the meeting!” I was getting pretty confused. Decided to drop it and went to sleep. Early next morning, I received an email from the secretary to inform me the person I’m supposed to meet is on an emergency business conference and would like to postpone the meeting to next week. Oh..so that’s what’s it is all about. I was pretty disappointed though because I was really looking forward to this meeting and now I have to wait till Tuesday.

So, there, I think I can say that I’m beginning to really tap into my abilities to help me in my daily life. This is kind of weird because I’ve never had premonitions where I know what will happen within the next minute (except once when I was 17) unlike previously where I can only “see” what is going to happen in the future (no date, no time, nothing to indicate the time frame).  Anyway, there’s more incident that I discovered since yesterday but I’m too lazy to write it down.

Oooh! Nic uploaded the opening performance during Fashion Unusual! I was amazed at how synchronized we were with only 2-3 times of practice! Awesome! Check out the Facebook link below:

Rendition of Michael Jackson’s Smooth Criminal

http://www.facebook.com/video/video.php?v=189246119621&ref=nf

Dinner – Fashion Unusual

Juels did a post-mortem dinner for Fashion Unusual last night at Baan26, a Thai restaurant. Models & crews we’re invited. It was really fun, lots of laughing, stupid antics, great food and awesome music! It was kinda like dejavu because we sort of re-perform the show during Fashion Unusual. Juels gave Sam a lesson on how to be a gentleman on the runway! It was hilarious! After dinner, we adjourned to Club21 to party. I left about 1omins after that because that place is so not my scene, it was stuffy and extremely noisy. Anyhow, me and a few of the models went to Enigma instead. Chilled abit and left around 2.30am. It was tiring but really fun

Juels & Dawnie

Dawnie & Me

The Gang

Twins

Team MJ

Being seduced by Yen!

WTF???

Juels & Me

Bored

It’s freaking Friday night and I have nothing to do and nowhere to go!! What the hell???

Nomad

I’ve always wanted to travel around for work. Now I got it but somehow I’m not too excited about it. I guess things are different now that I have my favorite peeps here, another biz running in KL. I’m just not comfortable of letting those go for a few months. KL is my home already. Sigh..but I’ve still got to feed and clothe myself ain’t it? So I have to suck it up and just go travel according to schedule. Trying to be really positive here, but the thought of being out of KL for 4months doesn’t really help at all :S

Besides, mom doesn’t really understand what I’m going through to get my business up…she’s definitely going to grill me for this! [Tried talking to her?] Yes I did, but it always ended with either one of us slamming the door. Her opinion is to get a stable job and work till retire then rely on EPF. WTF?? No way! I’ve still got to survive for maybe 20-30 years after retirement!! EPF is not going to be able to cover that. I really want to share with her about my life but looking at how our discussion always end makes me wary to talk to her. Or perhaps, I don’t even feel like talking about it to her anymore. It’s depressing to think about this.

Where’s The Fun??

I’m not sure about the others but I think I’ve grown attached to the FU event, I mean, there’s no more practice..no more big group of fun at mamak stalls and no more body aching dance practices…and weird enough, I’m missing all those things. The feeling is like the calm after the storm, an uneasy calm that is. Sigh..yeah, I’ve no life. Besides work, the FU event is the only time I actually let loose, have fun and just be myself! Participating in FU really helps me de-stress..guess I need to find an alternative to do that now.

You guys RAWKS!!

It’s 2am and I’m blabbing nonsense..should go to sleep now. I have a big meeting tomorrow morning. Should stop killing my brain cells with FB games :s Good night peeps!

Fashion Unusual

Finally the long awaited Fashion Unusual event is over and done with! Kudos to everyone! I’m not sure what the crowd thinks, but I think we gave our best to put up a good show for everyone. It wasn’t how we expected the show to be, it’s really different from our rehearsals. Boiler room people added an extra step to the runway platform and instead of feeling grateful, we actually dreaded having those steps installed. It was made by beer bottle crates and wrapped in red cloth with a knot underneath it which causes the step to wobble every time we stepped on it.

Anyway, back to backstage preparation. It was chaotic in there…well, controlled chaos I would say LOL! Our changing/makeup/hair room is just a small corner at the back of the club with sheer blue curtains covering it. First round of the show was still okay as everyone has changed into Tough Jeansmith’s clothes and had their hair and makeup done except for big Nic (there’s another model we call small Nic), Chris and myself cuz we’re doing the opening act. Before the official opening of the show, Freda (host) gave us a prep talk. She was freaking hilarious as usual LOL! Freda: “If you fall, keep guling-guling, make it dramatic! And I’m not gonna wish you good luck, instead GO BREAK A LEG!” huge applause to Freda after the speech! The show started with the imitation of Michael Jackson’s Smooth Criminal dance sequence. Absolutely nerve wrecking, did a few mistakes but I guess all eyes are on MJ himself so I’m saved

After the opening, 3 of us practically ran into backstage to get our clothes changed, do our makeup and hair all under 2 minutes! I’ve never had the experience of putting on my clothes on with one hand, someone wearing something on my other hand, some guy spraying and tugging my hair, someone dabbing my face and felt a pair of hands helping me dress and fighting for the mirror! Before I knew it, I was shoved out onto the runway and I was like “eh? I’m ready??” Though I was sweating profusely all the time (backstage was extremely stuffy and dark), when it’s my turn to strut my stuff, I hit the runway with full confidence and perform like there’s no tomorrow! It was exhilarating being in the limelight! I remembered catwalking down the dance floor and Lili screamed “Amy???? That you???? Arghhhh!!” HAHAHA, though I wanted to laugh so bad, I managed a cool smirk and strut away

After 3 rounds of runway, the show finally ended with a group photo with the sponsors, models and crew. Phew! Time for the final closing act and Nic was frantically searching for her gloves and cap while a few people were helping her change clothes. Finally, she screamed “ANYBODY HAVE A CAP!?? FIND ME MY GLOVES!! DAMN IT!” Freda was awesome for buying some time for the dancers/models to change into their dancing gear

Around 1.30am? The show finally ended and we celebrated with booze and having a good time on the dance floor together with the crowd and many of my friends came to watch the show, thanks guys! really appreciate it

By the way, Nic is scary!!! She really looked like MJ after the hair and makeup! Unbelievable!! So freaking cool!

Anticipation

It’s only a few hours to Fashion Unusual and I have this strange mix of anxiety excitement! I’m actually petrified with the idea of performing for a huge crowd and being in the limelight, yet very excited about the whole thing because it’s like the event of the year!

But thank goodness there’ll be another final round of full rehearsal at 7pm before the real deal starts! I hope I remember the sequence and get my clothes changed on time! Make sure I remember that I’m the last model in line to strut my stuff and to finish off the show with style!

To all people who are coming to FU, please do enjoy yourself! Have fun!

Horror In The Mirror

Yet another day of being busy. Was exhausted again yesterday, had 2 meetings..both lasting about 3hrs each. Then straight to dance practice again till late night. I guess we’re pretty ready for the show. I’ve decided to let my body rest before the big day tomorrow, so here I am going online and catch up with all my facebook games LOL!

I must drink more water…my body is aching and I have lots of breakouts on my face!! Arghh!! Shites!

Oh, I just had a new haircut at the sponsored hair stylist. Like it? Not really…it’s not something I would’ve gone for. It’s way too short and I look like a boy now Well, can’t cry over spilled beans, I’ll just have to work with the new hair and wait for it to grow out.

Quote by Juels : Yay! Productive!

Yesterday was a hectic day for me. Damn tiring. I was supposed to be back in KL on Monday but was postponed to Tuesday due to bad weather and tsunami alert in Penang Island. After settling some stuff we started our journey around 3pm. Schedule for the day was; settle some work stuff in Penang, drive back to KL, go for haircut/makeover, clothes fitting at TOUGH Jeansmith, runway rehearsal and dance practice for Fashion Unusual. I did not manage to go for haircut cuz by the time we reached KL, it was late already.

Went for the clothes fitting and whoa..the clothes are super cool!! Tried on a few pieces of clothing and I really wanted to keep the pair of jeans to myself LOL! But it was too pricey. Went for a quick dinner after that then straight to Boiler Room for rehearsal. I was pretty tired when I reached there and jumped straight into dance practice. I guess I need to be fitter as I was literally out of breath and I can’t really concentrate well. Rehearsal was alright, there were last minute changes..well a lot of changes, different walk and sequence, different posing points. Due to that, many of the models almost fell of the runway which is a long narrow glass bar top and is almost 4ft high :O All the while while I was strutting my stuff, I kept thinking “please don’t fall, please don’t fall…look up, don’t look down, mind your step, keep up with the tempo, show off the clothes, interact with the crowd, face the camera, watch the timing, don’t make funny faces” argh..so many things running through my head and it’s making it harder to focus LOL! But rehearsal went better than the dance practice though.

We finished around 1am plus and I was exhausted. Reached home, took a nice long shower, crashed onto my bed and slept like a log. And today, I have a proposal to write, shopping to do (for Fashion Unusual), get haircut, go for dinner with my Aunt (it’s her birthday)..tomorrow..ugh another full busy day. Sigh, I hope I can keep up with all these

I’m really missing someone right now, it’s been two weeks since we last met and I still haven’t got time to meet up since I came back to KL.

p/s: Juels, thanks for the super cool hat! Love it!

Premonitions

Finally I’m back to updating my blog. It’s been a few days…but it seem like a few weeks have gone by. I’m still in Penang Island and will be back to KL in a few days time. Things have gone really well these past few days. Business is picking up, besides the project mentioned in earlier post, we secured another one last night. I’m very excited about it as this is the “dream event” for me. I’ve always wanted to produce a show like that and now I get the chance! I felt really blessed..I was smiling in the car all the way home from mainland

I was pretty depressed for the past couple of weeks, nothing seems to be moving (work and financial wise) but this impromptu business trip (which I hesitated to go at the first place) really lifted my mood up. I don’t really know how to describe the feeling, all I know is I feel ALIVE again! I’m feeling the rush of adventure and am sure ready up to the challenge! Oh..I forgot to mention, I’ve kickstarted a few businesses and this, an events production company, was the fastest to be up and running.

Talking about this, some of my visions have came true! Freaky ain’t it? Many months back, I kept seeing these visions, the color black with red wordings and some white designs..there’s an “A” in it. And now I realized it was actually my company name and logo! Then I “saw” our soon to be office (I’ve never seen that place before I saw my visions). Freakiest thing is, everything that is happening around me now is so damn familiar! Oh, I even met the person from my vision face to face! Talk about dejavu, seriously! And last night, I was sitting on the balcony puffing away as usual, a new vision came to me. It was like a movie playing right before my eyes, I saw the show that we’re working on..the people that were involved (I don’t know half of them – at this moment LOL!) and somehow I felt the emotions too! It was bittersweet…well, sweeter than bitter actually.

People kept telling me visions are not reliable..it might just be your imagination. No and Yes. Visions are pretty reliable (how do you explain the visions that have happened??), and Yes to imagination as a human mind is a powerful force, what you visualize will manifest itself physically. But I’m pretty damn sure what I saw was not my imagination, I can’t stop the visions from playing in front of me, unlike imagination, you can stop whenever you like.

Anyway, I’ll have to cross my fingers and hope for the best to my business partners and myself and cheers to Anarchist Production! (that’s my company’s name)

*Got down from the car that just crammed 7 people in it on a 1hr journey:*

Me: eh, open the door la..can’t feel my legs dy

Ahme: i want to open but my whole body oso numb liau!

Me: (after getting out of the vehicle) whoa…weird, lower half of my body is numb!! i even have pins and needles at my..you know where!!!! (pointing in between my legs)

Ahme: HAHAHAHAHA eh, go toilet and check your vjayjay is still there or not!

Me: HAHAHAHAHAHA OUCH..OUCH..

New Adventure

Finally!! Things has started to roll out (Gosh! about time!) Had an impromptu business trip to Penang last week, packed only 3 pieces of clothing and now my trip has been extended to another week! Not that I’m complaining, it’s good stuff..just have to figure out how to get more clean clothes to wear that’s all

Anyway the week started with a tour to the event location in mainland…some hidden little town in mainland. I was pretty excited about it because I love to travel to exotic and explore all the nook and crannies in there. So all of us piled into a four wheel and off we go together with the team of photographers and our tour guide. I seriously have no idea where we’re going, all we did was to stop at every single place that looks interesting and took photos and learn about the place. At one point we drove into a location with super bumpy muddy road into God knows where and the scenery was amazing! On the way, we spotted the biggest monitor lizard I’ve ever seen sun bathing itself by the river bank! After the long and bumpy ride, finally we’re out into civilization again (not really..all I see is trees along the roads). Drove around, saw some pretty interesting stuff and by nightfall we reached a location where I’ve been dying to checkout – the firefly sanctuary. There’s also a few activities there like mud skiing, catching octopus by hand..many more.

Honestly, I’ve never seen fireflies before..well, besides on Nat Geo LOL! So we put on our life jackets and stepped into the little boat and sped off to the sanctuary. I was really in awe when I saw them…it was quite magical actually. Hundreds of fireflies blinking non-stop in the bushes along the river, they really look like blinking lights on a Christmas tree! Our photographer was amazing too, he managed to capture still images of the insects which no one have ever successfully done before! He’s gonna be so famous! Anyway, the ride back was awesome…we’re all sitting in silence with the cool breeze blowing at our faces under the bright moon light.

We did not get to catch octopuses though because the tide was too high. It was really a cool trip besides being infested by flies and mosquitoes all the time. Time to head back home..I really needed a shower bad.

On another hand, a business associate pulled some strings and a big fat business contract dropped into our laps! Wha..? We did not expect that to happen but it did! After that, more projects came pouring in! So yeah..that’s the reason why my trip was extended to another week. It was extremely tiring, but it was all worth it! I’m so pumped to be able to finally kick start my business!

After all the crazy stuff finally, today I get to fully rest and get the sleep that I desperately needed Tomorrow is going to be another hectic day, so I’ll update again in another few more days.

A Few Blocks Of Wall

I’m depressed…I really don’t know what to do anymore…

Holidays~~

I was never really into holidays..it’s always kinda boring, idiotic traffic jams, noise and just too many people all the time. But this time it’s different. For the first time ever, I kinda enjoyed the holidays That is because I finally get some kind of peace to myself. Got the whole house to myself for 5 days straight which means no baby crying, nobody walking in and out of my room to use the toilet, got my desperately needed privacy and….I GET TO WATCH TV!!! woohoo! Nobody is hogging the TV and for the first time ever, I cooked a complete meal for myself in the house! I’m absolutely loving it! Weird as this may sound, the couch has now become my bed! Surprisingly I didn’t mind sleeping on the couch at all.

Anyway, I shouldn’t get too used to this new found solace as I’m beginning to loose my social life. Friends are kinda puzzled as why I’m not joining them for outings or dinners. Well, guys, hope ya’ll understand, I hardly get the opportunity to really stay at home and rest, no worries, I’ll be back in a few days time

Btw, SELAMAT HARI RAYA to everyone!

Law Of Menifestation

Met a friend today, I have been looking forward to this meeting the whole week because I’m going to get spiritual consultation from her. After all the chatting, I’ve discovered that I’ve already known the answers myself. Just the matter of if I wanna put it into action or not. I know what I want and have the solutions to get it. But because of my weakness, which is I’m not mean enough, I find it very difficult to do what I’m supposed to do. But good news is that the rut that I’m in now is going to end soon. *crossed my fingers and hope for the best*

I’m looking forward to keep moving on regardless of the “hang” time that I’m in now. She taught me about the law of manifestation, how I can attain what I want and planned for in a more spiritual way. It was an eye opening experience actually, to be able to know that a mind is so powerful that it can literally change things that are out of your own control!

I’m going to try to focus and meditate (I have no idea how to meditate..just close my eyes and relax???), visualize what I want and let it flow.

To be continued….

Back To History – Pulmonary Valve Stenosis

A friend wrote me a comment today and she mentioned that I must take care of my heart. Hmmm..how did she know I have heart problems? I don’t recall saying anything about it..except..hmm..I know we did talk about heart beat, but not mine LOL! Anyway, then I realized that I’ve never shared publicly about my health before. I think close friends who visit my blog ought to know about this.

Many years ago when I was born, I was born 3months premature together with a twin sister. Unfortunately, she did not make it to her first day out of the womb. With twins fighting for nutricient in mom’s body, I was very tiny, too tiny that my dad can carry me in his palms. (He has big palms) Doctors immediately noticed that my organs were not fully developed and put me in the incubator for 2 months as there were complications as my heart was not fully developed. After 2 months, when I was allowed to stay in the baby ward, doctors noticed another symptom. I turn blue easily especially when I start to cry. Turns out, one of my heart valves was abnormally narrow, restricting blood flow and oxygen to the heart. There’s nothing they can do as it was too risky for an open heart surgery on a prematurely born baby.

So I had to live with severe asthma for 5 years. Inhaler and oxygen mask were my best friends. I did not attend kindergarten at all because my parents fear that I might collapse and run the risk of heart failure. I never knew what it was like to run around freely and play with friends. At one point, I even thought the hospital was my home as I stayed there more than my own home. Finally, doctors found a solution to cure me. Procedure is to incert a micro balloon into my heart and blow the valve up wide enough for blood and oxygen to pass through and at the same time carefully not to trigger a heart attack. Sounds simple eh? Not when they have to incert the micro balloon through the blood vessel at the ‘V’ of my tighs all the way up to my heart.

(Googled the procedure and found that it’s not a recommended treatment…but that was the best the docs have in the 80’s medical advancement)

I did not understand what was goin on (I was only 5 that time), but I knew the doctors are going to “fix” me and I was going to be able to live like a normal kid. So got prepped up, remembered that dad and mom hugged me then I lay down on the trolley bed..then…blackness..

I wasn’t sure what happened, but I woke up in the middle of the surgery..it was a horrifying experience with a great round light shining right at me and people..masked people in green surrounding me. Naturally I cried for mom and dad..then..blackness again.

I remembered having this very vivid dream of being alone in a pitch dark room with no doors…but there were many holes shaped like a crusifix and lights shining through on one side of the wall. Despite the darkness…I felt safe and protected.

When I wokeup, I was already lying on my bed in the hospital with mom sleeping next to me. Tried to get up then I felt sharp pain shooting from my thighs through my chest to my head. Doctors came in and checked on me..then I blacked out again. Mom never told me how long I was unconcious, all I know was I kept drifting in and out of conciousness.

Finally, I came to. Feeling really sore in my chest and thighs but I was happy cos mom bought me my tiny toy pony. (sigh..simplest things always makes a kid happy and contented). Check up routines are always a nightmare for me cos it always involve some kind of pain (needles, cleaning my wound..the likes). The happiest moment was when mom took me for an ice cream treat just 3 days after the surgery (it was good for relieving pain apparently), wheeled me to the shopping mall next to the hospital with me still dress in the dreadful hospital gown with the IV dangling above my head and I had the largest ice cream I’ve ever seen!

After some time, I was allowed to go back home for recovery, yay! Haha not as pleasant as I thought. I couldn’t walk for weeks and was in pain most of the time. Slowly, I began to feel better…way better than I’ve ever had in that 5 years of my life!

After recovery, I attended probably half a year of kindergarten before entering primary school, played with friends but I wasn’t allow to run around too much though. Seven years after the surgery and taking cocktails of medicine, doctors gave me the best news! They told me I don’t have travel to them for check ups anymore because my heart has healed completely and no more medicine!

From that moment onwards, as if I was freed from prison, jumped into things where teenagers would do, go to school, sports, extra activities, going out with friends and most importantly, I don’t have to bring my meds with me anymore

It’s been 12 years since I last took medication, my heart grew stronger each day and I’m feeling great now. But there’s still some rules I have to follow. Any open wound or dentistry work I have, I need antibiotics. Lots of it. It’s to protect my heart. I don’t mind that. I mean, given a second chance to live a normal life…antibiotics is not a problem.

What Was I Thinking??! Idiot!!!

Last night….last night I went out with someone I met online. I don’t know if I should consider it a date or not but it seem like a date. I picked her up at 7pm, went for dinner at this really nice Indian restaurant, we chatted about alot of stuff, relationships, hobbies..stuff. Then we head to Starbucks for coffee and more chatting. Well, this woman..I’ve never met a person as querky as her! She’s has this querky dark demeanor and yet very friendly. I was really intrigued. I want to know more about her LOL! Halfway through my mochafrap, I almost choked when she asked “do you feel like beer after this? I have beer at my house, we can drink there” WHOA! I mean…we just met like less than 2hours ago and she’s inviting me to her home already??!! *you might say, maybe she really just wanna drink and chill?* Hmmm..I don’t think so. So as a dumbass as usual, I said that I don’t drink. (WTF?? ok, damage control mode!) But offered, if she want to drink I’ll be happy to accompany her. *Phew!* Anyway, after coffee, we decided to check out a lezzie bar in town. Reached there, it was not as packed as Friday but was kinda noisy. Ordered Guinnes…chatted and listened to ugly karaoke songs.

What I don’t really understand is that this woman is kind of insistent of inviting me to her house. She said she has a book to borrow me (we talked about reading and I love to read too), and hope I don’t mind coming upstairs to take it. Ok, now you must be thinking, she’s up to something…I was kinda hesitant, after all this is the first time I hungout with her. Secondly, her demeanor made me so freaking nervous that I think I might screw this up if something were to happen in her house. Thirdly, I don’t wanna spoil this friendship with the weird morning after…you know what I mean.

Anyway, sent her back and I ended up following her upstairs to her home. It was kinda awkward actually, I reached for a book on the table and started flipping it, then she sat next to me (surprisingly, she sat quite a distant from me) flipping the book I borrowed her. I must say..the silent intencity is really overwhelming for me. I guess she sense my hesitation to make the first move, so she sat closer to me and continued chatting. I looked at the time and it was almost 2am! Gosh! I remembered I have my dance routine practice tomorrow at 2pm! Quickly, I used that as an excuse to leave..I need to wake up early to practice. (I know, I’m an idiot!) I didn’t even give her a hug, but she was nice enough to walk me to my car

Sigh…I think I was a disastreous date to her…if you would consider that a date. It was so obvious that there were sexual chemistry boiling between us, but I guess I was too cautious about having a one night stand and spoil a potentially good friendship! Anyhow, she said she wanna meet again and enjoyed her time! (she did???) LOL! Yay! I’ll be meeting her again and I hope it’ll go better than last night.

Blardy Hackers!!

About few weeks back, my Hotmail account was hacked by someone. I was extremely upset because I’ve had that account for 10 years!!! 10 FREAKING YEARS!! Imagine all my contacts and emails are now gone! (my PC crashed recently, wiping out my saved contacts..) Don’t even get me started on how stupid MSN is to send the password recovery email BACK INTO THE EMAIL ACCOUNT THAT I’M LOCKED OUT FROM! (there’s no options to choose other email add)

Anyway, I’ve gotten over the angry phase…so decided to setup an entirely new Hotmail and messenger account. So..after signing into messenger, my blood started boiling again as it reminded me of how empty and useless it is without contacts. OK…calm..calm down..phew! First thing I did was to change my display name and next was the display message. I paused..somehow I want to use back my old message that I never change for years. Because I really felt that it is appropriate to describe my heart now..a heart that has been broken and probably will never mend again. Sighing loudly to myself, I began to type “Holding rare flowers in my hands and see my heart decorated like a grave”. It’s abit gloomy..well actually it is a very gloomy message. These words are the lyrics to one of my favourite song by Alice In Chains – Down In A Hole. Those words are kinda stuck to me already…I hope one day I will never have to use those words again.

Back to contacts, seriously, I don’t know how to tell my friends about my new ID without letting the whole world know. So friends who are reading this post, please do send me your MSN contact to my Facebook account ya. (via FB email) Oh! How silly I am! I can use FB email to inform everyone! DUH!